Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
