every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
