Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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