i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
