Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize