How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
