I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
