Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
