Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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