I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
