i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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