I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
