When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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