I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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