The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
