Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
