My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
