i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
