he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
