I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
