I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
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He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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