Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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