hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
