I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
