I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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