I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
