i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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