sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you never un-have a 4some
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
