How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
