My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
