My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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