Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's blow job season.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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