see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
