got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
