I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize