I'm going to jail i love you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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