i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
A+ Viking dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
