my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
