I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
