Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
