I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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