My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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