I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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