my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize