I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
