so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
