this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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