I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
