how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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