Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
