You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
how drunk are you?
Several
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
