Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
