turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
