Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
we're so committed to being not committed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
