I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
