your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
