It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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