The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
