Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
