this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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