You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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