And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
